Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 313 Location: USA

I am having a particularly tough time with the emotions associated with the protection of my children.

The obvious legal struggles are difficult when you are trying to protect your children but nobody can really make the anxiety and terror you feel for your children better. They don’t stop to think how debilitating it can be to be in a position to have such an intense fear of harm of your children because of what only you know about the abuser.

While the belief that I was the sole target of the physical abuse by my abuser, my memories hold visuals of him thrashing my infant daughter about when he would rage. I was always so afraid and would try to make him give her to me but he wouldn’t. At times, he would forcibly take her from me and so that she wouldn’t get hurt in the struggle, I would release her from my grasp. He also would hold her in one arm as she faced me, and he would shove me, punch holes in the wall beside my head, and then eventually he punched me in the back of my head. She saw all of this. She saw the fear on my face, my tears…I can’t stand to think of how it must have been for her…not to mention that all she heard was him calling me names and saying the most vile and nasty things to me.

I am glad I got rid of him when I did, but for the first 18 months of her life, and for the first 2 ½ months of her sister’s life, they were exposed to his awful behavior…..and nobody, who is in a position to help me protect them, doesn’t seem to want to listen. Why can’t they understand why I fear for them even outside of the disclosures they have made about inappropriate sexual behavior? I feel so trapped. Not being able to protect my children is crushing me. Not being believed is crushing me.
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"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

Echo · Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 6:32 pm Post subject:

Oh (((((SurvivorMom)))), Im so sorry that you have to go through this, its absolutely heartbreaking for you. I can barely believe that the authorities won't take into account not only your experiences but those of your children.

This is so cruel to both you and them. They would be far better with you and no access from him. How on earth they can allow such a dangerous man access is beyond me.

What are they proposing so far?

I really hope you can find some way to work this out, my heart goes out to you. Take care, Echo.

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 313 Location: USA

Well, right now, I can say they are safe, with me and no contact with him, but I fear it is only a matter of time before he gets money together again and takes me back to court.

But that is only after he was awarded unsupervised, overnight visits beginning Nov '04 which continued up until Nov '06 when my girls made disclosures of sexual abuse.

I got an emergency PFA which ended the visits and (what was a blessing in disguise) the judge overseeing our open custody case which was initiated by my ex, dismissed the entire custody which left us without a custody arrangement. We had previously agreed in court before this judge upon the terms and his attorney was to draw up the paperwork and we were to both sign it...well, he wouldn't return calls from his own attorney (1 of 4 he has had in the past three years) so the case remained open for over a year until the judge kicked it out upon the emergency PFA. This is a blessing because I am not court ordered to send them at this time. There is so much more but it is a long story and is littered with the inadequecies of our system.

But, for 2 years, every other weekend, I suffered while they were away with him...just knowing what he is capable of is terrifying and the suffering has caused so much damage to my emotional well being.

Like I said, they are safe for now and that brings me some comfort but I do carry the adverse effects with me as well. I am working to educate them and they are both in play therapy. I want them to be ready if/when the visits resume, but oh my God in heaven, no mother should have to go through this. It is just wrong...so wrong and I feel really hurt that the first assumption when someone like me speaks, is that it is some maneuver or revenge tactic. I love my babies. I would die for them. To feel like I was sending the sheep to the slaughter is a gross understatement.

It is a problem that needs to be fixed. Too many children are being subject to things they shouldn't be. The physical stuff isn't the only concern..it is the manipulation, the lies, the denial, twisting up their little growing minds into a mess. I know what he did to my mind but I can't fathom how a little tender mind like theirs can withstand it. That is another thing people don't listen to.

It also makes me angry, actually, indignant, that people would assume show shallowly about me as if I am some Jerry Springer show guest! Why can't I be seen as a mother who is reasonably concerned about my children. No. They pigeon-hole you into being some backwards, unintelligent, feeble minded woman who isn't capable of such broad, intelligent and big picture thinking. I just hate it.
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"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

ljleedom · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 58 Location: Connecticut

This is from my other post but there are too many in that string now:

I'm going to say something very radical.

If we're near the train tracks, I tell my son, "Watch for the train if it is coming don't go near the tracks." It is my responsibility to warn him of potential danger.

My son's father is a dangerous man. Would I not be remiss not to warn my son? I say to anyone, I admit I made a horrible mistake, I had a child with a psychopath. That doesn't mean my son is a mistake. I say we call our organization. RIGHT TO A LIFE My son didn't asked to be born but since he is here he has a right to a life!

ANy other suggestions.

I am a psychiatrist. My son is also safe for now because his father is in prison and has to register as a sex offender when he gets out. I am willing to join hands with other mothers and fathers to try to form an organization to address children's rights. This is about children's rights. Children have a right to the best possible life the healthy parent can give them.

Where do we start?
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LJL
ljleedom@aol.com

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 313 Location: USA

I saw that other post....so well said.

I am working towards law school but at this point, I am thinking of changing to political science and getting into lobbying.

I am willing to work on whatever we can get together. There are entities that we could look at partnering with as well National Coalition Against Domestic Violence for one.

I have a collegue that is looking at where we can start putting together a petition to take to local legislators. I would also like to see if there would be an "in" to soliciting celebrities who have experience domestic violence who have children to see how they can be of help.

I did contact America's Most Wanted about 2 years ago about adding something to their show specific to domestic violence. I watched a few weeks ago and they had integrated something related but at this point, I can't recall the specifics. (my brain power and memory wax and wane erradically)

I will email you at the address you gave.
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"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

ljleedom · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 58 Location: Connecticut

About 6 weeks ago, I emailed the foundation for Nicole Brown Simpson, Suggesting they get behind this cause. It is a disgrace that, that man killed his wife, then got custody of the children. Of coarse I haven't heard anything from them. The family maybe afraid of upsetting the children who are older now. Perhaps though over time...

These father's rights organizations should support us. These bad apples make it worse for other fathers.
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LJL
ljleedom@aol.com

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 313 Location: USA

Good thinking on the Simpson thing....it's reaching out like that, that will probably help us get started.

You know what the problem is with the father's rights groups? Many of them are comprised of abusive men who play "victim" to us treacherous females trying to deprive them of their children...I have gone round and round on message boards with some of them and they don't want to hear it.

I will be in touch via email.
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"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1395

Hi Mom...I went thru that too....him using the kids in this way...Once he was holding our middle daughter who was about 1and1/2 and I told him to pit her down and he opened his arms and let her fall to the floor Evil or Very Mad

Our son who must have felt too small to do much would take a crayon to his closet wall and write the most awful words on it while I was being beat up by his dad Embarassed

Amazingly these are the 2 kids who refused to stand by me and stood by the ass who did this stuff to them...I also had good reason p was improper with this same daughter because of something she told me when she was 11....b4 I left him I did attempt to get her to remember it but I was called a fucking liar....I knew it was no use then...p had managed(somehow) to make everyone believe I was the LIAR.....I agree with you...our system needs to change!
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

survivormomoftwo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 313 Location: USA

That is horrible Cookie....just horrible.

I am so sorry...none of us should have to go through this yet I don't have enough fingers and toes to count all the women I know that have been through what we've been through....
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"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of people in your life."

H. Jackson Brown

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1841

Hi momof2 and cookie,
I am just gobsmacked by what you have been through.
LjL- i hope you are able to get your "right to a life" movement started.

I didn't have children. I had three miscarriages by my ex- the psychopath. I used to mourn that, but in retrospect I believe it was a blessing in disguise.

My heart goes out to you as you heal and help your children heal from the damage inflicted in your lives from these psychopaths.
I don't know what else to say. You have had the strength to survive it, and I support you in finding the strength to heal from it and to help your children heal.

matilda
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

I will sign on to a Right To A Life movement. Count me in.

Like the name Exclamation