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can a person win back their narcissist

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

Where to go to ask Dr. Sam questions. This is intended as Questions to Dr. Vaknin and his responses

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can a person win back their narcissist

Postby hope57 » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:28 am

My husband is 55 y/o, living with another woman, in drug rehab and having health issues. I am 57 and would just like for him to come home. I have spent time looking at your site and it was very helpful. My question is this. Is there anything I can do to have him want to leave this woman and come home. We have children and grandchildren and I am concerned for his health. I believe if he were to return home that since having a better understanding of this disorder I could manage to keep my sanity and we could actually live out the rest of our lives in peace. We have been married 25 years. The other woman has major health issues herself and is not contributing to the financial income. She does smile and laugh all the time, but seems to have some kind of hold over him.
Thank you,
hope
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hope57
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I miss him so much - I want him back!

Postby samvaknin » Sat Oct 06, 2007 12:17 pm

Hi,

I am not sure why you would want to win back a narcissist.

Here are some tips, though:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/npdtips.html

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5000

Click on these links:

So, you go back to your "relationship" and hope for a better ending. You walk on eggshells. You become the epitome of submissiveness, a perfect Source of Narcissistic Supply, the ideal mate or spouse or partner or colleague. You keep your fingers crossed.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal78.html

At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq68.html

The dissolution of the abuser's marriage or other meaningful (romantic, business, or other) relationships constitutes a major life crisis and a scathing narcissistic injury. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around him.

All abusers present with rigid and infantile (primitive) defense mechanisms: splitting, projection, Projective Identification, denial, intellectualization, and narcissism. But some abusers go further and decompensate by resorting to self-delusion. Unable to face the dismal failures that they are, they partially withdraws from reality.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse14.html

To victims of abuse, my advice is unequivocal:

LEAVE NOW. Leave before the effects of abuse - including PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) - become entrenched. Leave before your children begin to pay the price as well.

But, if you insist on staying (always against the best interests of yourself and your nearest and dearest) - here is a survival manual:

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/npdtips.html

Inverted Narcissist

Also called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist.

To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist".

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq66.html

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates, therefore, the parameters of the personality of the survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq6.html

It takes two to tango – and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "folie a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets – two of a myriad – of this danse macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html

The – often involuntary – members of the narcissist's mini-cult inhabit a twilight zone of his own construction. He imposes on them a shared psychosis, replete with persecutory delusions, "enemies", mythical narratives, and apocalyptic scenarios if he is flouted.

The narcissist's control is based on ambiguity, unpredictability, fuzziness, and ambient abuse. His ever-shifting whims exclusively define right versus wrong, desirable and unwanted, what is to be pursued and what to be avoided. He alone determines the rights and obligations of his disciples and alters them at will.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal79.html

These may also be of help - click on the links:

The Narcissist's Victims

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq38.html

Victim Reactions

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.co ... _reactions

The Three Forms of Closure

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

Divorcing the Narcissist and the Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him?

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

Traumas as Social Interactions

http://samvak.tripod.com/trauma.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html

Surviving the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html

The Dependent Patient - A Case Study

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders56.html

Take care.

Sam
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