Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Well it has been awhile since I have been out here. As I have read alot of the posts, I still did not listen to the advice. I let me N talk me back into reconci,ing....again. SO here is this years highlights...

1. Jan 2009 he came back after a round of emails between us, one of which I detailed out everything that was capable of happening in the divorce due to his past history, and exactly what I had proof of. I know bad thing to give startgey away. But he had just pushed too mnay buttons, and the holidays relaly made me think about trying to save it for the kids (7,8,9 boys). When I asked him why... he said he did not mean to hurt me that bad.

2.Feb 2009- Did not last long, I had already files my tax return, as HOH. Looks like he owed taxes,mad because I did not file jointly and he could get half the retun. He also found all my documentation, got mad about that. But of course when reconciling he stilled was licing in his own aprtment and I at the house. He still did all the fun 20 year old things, instead acting like a 36 year old father and husband. No chnages or attempt to reconcile basically. He wanted his tax bill paid.

3. March 2009- I did not pay his tax bill, he said we were done. He took a job out of town and moved away from me and the kids. He now l=ives 3 hours away. The kids are crushed. FUnny thing is he moved in with a 23 yr old GF doctor. Told the kids in June when the got there 1st visit with him in his new home.

4. May1st - OK , I am now done, you just dissed your kids. The funny thing is that he had been gone for 2 years and has not offered one penny to support the kids or help pay our $300k in debt he got us into. He gets this new job 3 hours away fro $10k more a year. He obviously did not think through that decision, as he never thought through any other financial ones. I slammed shut the book, filed for divorce and got temp orders for $1000 a month for CS and $800 for Alimony to help pay off our debt. This was after he said he would volutarily give me 40% of the direct kids expenses, and then took out the grocery bills shorting me $600 for the month. I have learned no second chances with a N promise.

5. June 2009- Temp order went live, I have my 3b's sole and legal custody. I get court enforced CS and Alimony(since he would never help pay the debts anyways). He flipped out, that extra money adn plus another chucnk he now does not have. Go figure! Now it is time to be repsonsble, and the court will make sure you are.

6. Summer sucked, he played all the games with the kid schdeule, clothes, not allowing me contact when he had them on the weekends. Shoving them off on baby sitters when he did have them...etc. Then you can put the bi monthly court meetings that we went to with him challenging every little thing. Funny thing was he was not prepared. The magistrate finally had enough of him and said bring me proof and write up a brief. Get the call from him, actually he was chjasing me down the street before a school conference that he wanted to work this out and not pay all these attorney fees. I am like...OK I am fine with thta...then came the kciker...but you have to drop the court enforced paymenst first. SInce I am getting back to being my old self I said , NO WAY!...Are you crazy that is my only protection I have from you screwing around with me , you won;t make them voluntarily, and let you GF doctor foot your bill from now on.

7. Oct 2009- Briefs have been filed, he showed no evidence of not having to pay his protion of debt, but he did give them some nice pictures off my facebook with me and the kids out boating for the summer and on vacation in Myrtle. SAying I have a lavish and extravagant lifestyle he refuses to pay for. The $800 / month is onyl 10% of our monthly debt payments, like it really helps me out alot. Anyways, I flipped alid that he would do that, and posted on facebook that whomever shared that info with him please de-friend themselves. Our mutual fiends got the hint very quickly and are now staying out of it.

8. So Oct 26th , 2009 is is our 2nd pre-trial (10thncourt appearance though in 4 months). We will see what happens with the temp orders them. But he has dropped the child custody for now since they started school. But he fully intends to go after them unless, I hand him over a chunk of cahs. I said you can have a chunk of debt ...we have no cash. But basically he has the kids up for sale......yet he sure does like playing SUPER DAD when it is in the eye of the public. So now he does not want to figure out the holiday schedule or agree to anything until of the hearing, he basically told me based on the outcome and if it is favorable he will work nicely with me and the childrens schedule. Unbelievable again! Lastly, I have a nice little email he sent, where he said that he has tried for 2-3 years to get me to leave hima nd the kids, that would have started right after our last son was born. He wanted the kids and house and everything, but I was too stubborn to leave. Even ruining us financially , verbal and domestic violence, adultery...etc did not make me leave. So that is why he left me and not the kids. So now he still wonders why I am so paranoid and defensive with him. He is absolutely CRAZY, to do somehting like that to your family.

Anyways, I loved everyone's posting about the custody battle stuff, and I will keep it in mind for I see a very very very long 3 years ahead of me. Let's cross our fingers he gets some compassion in his life and stops putting the kids through this.

WOW, Mirna. I am so glad you are not falling for his crap. What a freakin idiot. I thought my 10 court appearnaces in 18 months was bad. It's just not right that these guys can get away with all this manipulation. I'm tellin you, it makes me want to become a judge just so I can get these guys in my courtroom and cut off all secod chances for them. That's the problem, they keep getting people to give them a chance. They should not be allowed chances.

Gee, anything I could do to help, I would. God bless you and I hope this wraps up very quickly.

I doubt the word "QUICK" or "NICE" will be anywhere heard in a conversation for a very long time. RIght now I am just focusing on the kids first and rebuilding my career again, without the overhead of employees. Subcontracting out of the house gives me time with the kids whenever they are home and I have less stress and the same money. So that is helping alot. But I lost my buiness because of him, and then my job I had for another company for 2 years fell apart....so ME and KIDS are first and he can go jump off a cliff for all I care. I don't even want the kids near him he is so mean , what mother would want there 3 sons to be raised by an N or anywhere near an N. We are going to ask for full psychological evals and a GAL for the kids....that should put his ears up.

I decided that all those years I got screwed ..instead of rolling over like I did for 5 years, I am fighting back. And I am coming out first with the hard stuff.....let him waste him precious money on lawyers if he wants to. So far I have won everything in court....but he is still fighting it. We are not even into any court room testimony yet....that should be fun. I gave my attorney 3 phrases that he can use to piss him off enough to get the RAGE going in court in front of the judge.

1. Temper Tantrum
2. Mr. Perfect
3. YOU left your kids for money!

It is like riding a prize bull, he gets knocked off his seat of arrogance within 3 seconds of any of those words in a conversation.

So we will see, maybe we can actaully sit down in front of a judge on the 26th. I hate all the back room attorney talk with the coourt, and since most of what gets agreed to is done that way, the N will not follow any of the agreements unless he has it in a court order. So we will see. Good luck and thanks for the boost.

OK, The thrid pretrial is done and the temporary order he was fighting has now been ruled on. The pre-trial is again extended until, Dec 6th, at which time I am to turn over 6 years of every receipt, picture, computer backup...etc to them. Like that would take me 6 years. But the best part of it is , that request came before the temporary order was ruled on. The N was fighting alimony and child support, and wanted custody of the kids. Judge said NOWAY, it stands. He laughed at me before hearing and told me I was going to loose. I said "Whatever". Well, I did not loose, now he is knocked down another peg and his attorney wants more money to continue this . He refuses to sit down unless I drop court ordered enforcement of the child supoort and alimony to pay our debt. But now he has to come up with another chunk of money for his attorney, he never had any problems spending my money on attorney fees over the years but now it is out of his pocket. So the judge has given us until Dec6th to sit down and each side propose a plan. We handed ours in that day, we are much more prepared than he is.

So we are once again in the holding pattern.

But being prepared has defintiely helped my case, he is now pissing off the attorney and the judge...which from what I have read is typical. He is also wasting alot of money and time on stupid documentation requests which have no bearing at all on our divorce. We are in Ohio which is not a community property state , not a 50/50, but an equitable state.

So this round should be fun!

Mirna

Good for you for fighting to protect your boys from the negative influence of the N. I have never bought into the accepted standard that an abusive N for a father is better than no father. This view has been entrenched in the legal system so that these damaged, poisonous, corrosive individuals can carry on playing daddy for the benefit of impressing the outside world whilst messing up the children for life. Even if the N is loving to the children the N should only be given minimum contact time such as day visits and not overnight stays because that limits the time the N has to screw up the children. The rights of the child to be protected from being exposed to the influence of a dysfunctional adult is superseded by the need to continue forcing family togetherness when in most cases it wasn't there in the first place. My ex NH didn't know how to be a father or a husband which saved my children from forming an attachment to him from very early on. He was an emotional toddler, with social behaviours of a teenager, operating like a bachelor with his comings and goings and financial decisions whilst passing himself off as a family man to the outside world as he demonised me to everyone who would listen. He created a situation where our teenage children refused to have any further contact with him after the divorce. Funny how N's in their crazy making always create the very same situation that they are fighting against.

Sorry if my story doesn't provide you with any direct advice. Just thought I should let you know that I get where you are coming from.

Survivor15

Thanks for the supportive words. That is exactly the game now, I have to laugh, he is 36 years old, shaves his chest, hangs out with 20 year olds, is learning how to drive a race car, plays socccer and footbal with college kids and lastly tries to hang out with celebrities and then make how he is such a big thing with his kids. But he cannot take off work when they are sick, all of these activities along with going out and drinking come first. Kids are always second. In fact he said that having the kids ruined his life. But now he is super dad in the eyes of the parents when he drives up to coach footbal. As long as he can be in a picture with them publicly he will take the time. It will wear off eventually, he is already starting to drop off time and communications with them.

The music he lets them listen to is so degrading to women and his response is that they will hear it on the radio anyways. Well you do not have to help them memorize the words . And don't let them listen to those stations. They are too young to be influenced by such filth. His attitude is that it is sensorship. My God! The boys are only 6, 7 and almost 9 years old. But it is just another classic example of the N having to be in control and making sure his needs and preferences are taken care of.

I do have to laugh again because he complains that the money he has to give me for the kids makes him have to skip a meal a day, well why are you paying $250 an hour to learn to drive a race car every week. Once again, always about himself. My kids thankfully are already getting the game. They call him right out when he starts bragging and basically say "I don't care!'

One day at a time for now.