Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

I was wondering if any of you have felt this way...

I have been holding onto anger towards my mother..

My anger has been serving a purpose of making me feel like I have a mother and that I am not an orphan. I feel panicky when I think of not having a mother even if it's a dysfunctional "mother-figure" and not the real thing! I feel like if I just move on and not think about her then the realization that I don't have a mother at-all overwhelms me and I feel the void that I don't want to feel.. It makes me feel like I am falling off a building with no safety net...It's a strange, new and scarry feeling like how I felt realizing for the first time that she is a Narcissist and never loved me or anyone!

Also... Sometimes it feels good to be mad at her... Like I am finally justified in my feeling because she can't brainwash me anymore into thinking everyone and anything is the problem other than her!! I realize that when I was angry at her as a kid there was a reason why.. and that it is ok to feel this way when someone violates me.. I wasn't aloud to experiance anger toward her or feel upset for the evil things she did.. I was expected to take it with a smile and be greatful for all the abuse! Rolling Eyes

if I was angry with her then I was the bad one!! So, now I am experiancing my emotions without her telling me not to or that I am supposed to feel differently.. If feels like a new found freedom and I am enjoying it in some sick way... But, I know this isn't healthy and is probably childish and I need to move on and the anger I have been feeling is getting old and once again, she could careless what I am doing or thinking and I don't want to tie up all my emotional energy on her... I want to move on with my life. Maybe I am supposed to come to the stage of feeling like an orphan but I have been avoiding it.. I don't know...

I am trying to figure out what other purposes this anger has been serving me? Is this the last step to letting go and moving on? Do others panick at feeling like an orphan? Is this something you think about? Have you gotten over feeling angry toward your N parent? Will we ever be able to move on and not care about our abusers anymore even if they are our parents? I am starting to not care but not fully there yet...

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Maybe feeling angry toward NM abuse isn't sick and childish? Maybe it is ok and normal? Mabye it is only normal for a certain period of time and then it should stop?

I think I am doubting wether it is ok and normal to feel this way and wondering what purpose or benifit it must be serving me????

Smilin Fyodor · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

Wow. You are not crazy. Your inner monologue reads very similar to mine. But as you said:

>>I wasn't aloud to experiance anger toward her or feel upset for the evil things she did.. I was expected to take it with a smile and be greatful for all the abuse!<<

Using "aloud" instead of "allowed"? Perhaps a Freudian slip to say what you really mean? Your anger was never allowed to be aloud.

For my first two years of NC, my anger would border on rage at times, and I worried that I was holding on too tightly. But if I tried to suppress it, the feelings of self-loathing and guilt would rush in. Anger was a means of survival for me, and it sounds like it might be for you, too.

As to the motherless void, I think you've nailed describing this drifting, insecure feeling I have now that the anger has naturally subsided (as a result of my allowing myself to express it, vent it,etc.). My whole Christmas season and last month, I've just felt kind of blue. No anger. No missing my parents. No . . . real reason that I could think of. On the one hand, it is so freeing to do as I want to do. On the other hand, this orphan business is unsettling.

Maybe, some people need to consciously stop feeling anger towards another. I think the ACON is different and actually must consciously perpetuate anger for a while to get used to feeling and expressing emotions.

As to the anxiety of being an "orphan", I haven't figure that one out yet. It's a monster.

SF

wownowfree · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 255

Lynn,

I went through (or I should say I am going through) the same feelings. I think you are right on track with your anger. Anger is one of the 5 stages of the grief process. We cannot fully grieve our loss (in this case never having a mother) until we experience the grief process. I think the other stages are: Denial,Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance. We can slide from one back to another and back and forth again. Some losses take days, weeks, months, years or life times to process. I'm still in my grief process and it's been three years NC with my mother. Do not be alarmed by your anger -- it is perfectly normal. I also feel a lot of shame for my anger as if I'm a bad person for being angry with my mother. I know it is old childhood tapes and I have to fight those messages every day.

When I realized my mother never loved me and could never be a mother to me I had trouble believing it. I was in denial. Many, many people never leave denial their whole lives. My brother is one. He thinks we had a "great" childhood. He was the golden child and I fear he is N too and I'm still in denial about him. I don't have the strength right now to deal with both my mother and my brother. I feel very alone against my family.

I did panic and feel like an orphan. This group helped me so much. Come here for support. We understand what you are going through. When I get those panic thoughts that I am an orphan I remind myself that I am an adult and I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I must self-affirm myself many times each day. A therapist is helpful if you have insurance. 12 step groups like Coda can be helpful.

You are on your way. You are right where you need to be. The book "Divorcing a Parent" was helpful.

Hugs.

nowfree

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Divorcing a Parent is a great book.

Okay this might sound weird but I need my anger. Everytime I let it slip away, then she slips back into my life. Everything goes okay for a few weeks and then bam...she slaps me upside the head again.

I do not like anger, I do not like the way it feels but its the only protection I have against her....boy that does not make sense but its how I feel.

justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

Justmee, are you still in contact with your NM? Is the anger keeping you away or your boundaries in place?

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Thankyou all for your support!!

Wownowfree.. thanks for reminding me that anger is part of the grieving process.. Maybe I am still grieving.. I guess we shouldn't expect the grieving process to hurry up and be over with.. What I expect for myself while grieving my mom is not what I would ever expect for a friend who lost a parent.. had a parent who died.. And for us.. NC and coming to the realization that our parents are N's to me is equivallent to a death..
The Death of the imaged parent

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

realizing who are N's are is like a death of a parent...
I guess I am still grieving and I think we all are here...
.. Wish I could write more but I have to go now..

Thanks all... HUGS!

mollyneser · Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 11

I absolutely understand the fear of realizing you are an orphan. I went though the same thing a few years ago. I later resumed contact with my mother, which turned out to be a bad plan.

One of the things I still struggle with is guilt, like somewhere deep down inside I believe that if I had only been more like her, then she would have liked me. I some way I guess I feel like it was my fault I became an orphan.

And I think that's reason I have resumed our relationship so many times, thinking that if I did everything right this time, I would get the parent I always hoped for.

I think anger is a good tool when dealing with parents like ours. We have to protect ourselves somehow.

Mollyneser

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

I like the the reference, going NC -- death of a parent (s). What we struggle with is that our parents are really dead, that's the hard part. We know they are still out there going about life, sometimes seemingly untouched. Some say that divorce is more difficult than death, too, because you often have to face the ex, the girlfriends, etc.. Sometimes, the wondering of how they are doing gets to me, the guilt of them in a depression over the loss of my relationship (their endless "supply"). I try to let go, which is what most self help books recommend, too. 12 steps are helpful, too.

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

It's weird... This week I started to deal with the feelings I have about being an orphan.. I realized this week that being an orphan was/is one of my biggest fears.. so I tried to work on conquering this fear..

I feel like my heart has been letting go.. I spend less and less time thinking or worrying about my NM as the months have gone by.

I have been concentrating more on my healing and trying to heal the wounds that she has left behind....

Although I am an orphan,( and have always basicly been one) I am dealing with this bet trying to remind myself that I have my husband and his family and that comforts me right now.. I am trying to focus on what I have and move on... I feel only a tiny bit of guilt about letting go of my NM compared to how I felt when I first got to this forum... I guess I am healing thanks to everyones support here.. this forum and my husband..
This forum and all of you here have been a Godsend...

Smilen... you are right.. It probably was a freudian slip as well as just my bad spelling.. LOL Laughing

I must associate being able to have a voice.. speaking out Loud and allowed in a similar way... I think most of us were never allowed to speak out loud and to have a voice of our own..

I am like you too Smilen.. I don't miss my NM anymore just sometimes having a "mother figure" to talk to and turn to. But don't want the NM that I was born into... I have started to even think of her by her first name lately and not by her Mom title.... Confused

Mollyneser.. Maybe the feelings you have with guilty will diminish and at some point go away.. I am glad to say my guilt feelings have diminished over time..

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

We are thankful for you Lynn. I am feeling less of the guilt but maybe its because of the anger....not sure.
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

wownowfree · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 255

I think it's very difficult to mourn the loss of a parent before they are actually dead. But that's what ACON's have to do. After we learn about NPD we can never go back to our ignorant state again. Should we choose to have relations with our parent we look at them with new eyes. They are an empty shell. We know that they are a cardboard cutout of a real human being. We see the tricks and manipulations for what they are. Before my no contact I was constantly in a cycle of abuse with my N mother where she would hurt me, I would ignore, forgive and take her back only to have the process begin all over again. Like any abusive relationship there was always the honeymoon where I'd swear she'd be different. She would be like a mother to me. The mother I needed. She never was. What I didn't realize is that I was being the mother to her.

I didn't choose no contact to hurt my mother, I did it to protect myself. It's going to be really strange when she dies, if she dies before I do. I've done all of my grieving. There is nothing left. I don't know how I will feel at that point, probably nothing.

Whenever I get the notion that she has changed and get an urge to call her to test her out, I stop myself. I remind myself that I've done this for many, many years and it's always the same. No matter how much time goes by she is always the same. That is the mental illness. There is nothing more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give.

I believe that whether we are in contact with our N parents or not, we all have to grieve the death of "mother" and "father".

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Wownowfree!

All I can say is WOW! I am in the same situation and feel the same way!
My mom called me the other night. I had not urge to call her back. I didn't want to fall into her same trap.. I know all her hooks that she uses to make me feel sorry for her but now those things don't work for her anymore either... So I haven't called her..

I think I will have done most of my grieving now too and that there may be nothing left when she finally does die except for the sadness of what could have been but was not....

The only time I even call my mom now is not because I am missing her but because I get curious about what mischief she has been getting into and analyzie her disorder...But... even that couriosity is fadeing now and I would rather not give her any attention or info she can squeeze out of me that she will somehow use to twist my words to one of my relatives... She is too dangerous.. Better to just stay away..

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Justme.. No need to feel guilt... We are all dealing with difficult N parents...
It's hard not to get sucked into there drama..I get sucked in at times too..
Like when I heard my mom"'s cheerful sounding voice the other night on the phone and then hearing her say "your sister loves you give her a call.." all sweet..It was a trap... Mad

too long to get in to why.. But it was!
I almost fell for it.. and sometimes I do!! They know our soft spots... They prey on our soft spots!!
You and your kids are handeling you NM well though!
I give you all credit! Wink