Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 172

Hey all!!! I'm late to this discussion....but BRAVO to all of you for your strenth and for the hard, road ahead with NC. I did 7 years!!! And about 3 weeks ago, I went to my NM house and forgave her. I have to tell you all how liberating it is to no longer consider myself a victim to her ever again. I did it for me. I reclaimed myself. This new person, who deserves to not feel like the orphaned one. The one with out. I am the Motherless, Mother. And I am proud. I love all strays, particularly the people who someone else did not treat very well. I will always go out of my way to be there for someone regardless if they ask me or not. I am empathetic and compassionate, and I get that same back from my husband and kids. I am good with what I have. Thankful each and every day to have what NM could not give, or have. So I am so proud to all who take the time, to heal, and love like they have never been hurt.
kim

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

You are allowed to be angry, this is natural. If you suppress it it has a self-destructive effect. In fact, I often want to feel angrier because I feel most clear and confident when there is an element of anger in me (not out of control or hateful but just feeling able to be angry or tell someone off).

"I think the ACON is different and actually must consciously perpetuate anger for a while to get used to feeling and expressing emotions."

I agree with this. Like I mentioned I wish I could feel more angry and confident. The tendency for the ACON is to "take it like the dog who got beat" when we shouldn't. It is OK to bite back, to not tolerate abusive people, to stand up for yourself and your rights. Don't beat yourself up.

You just can't function without that foundation of self-esteem and self-respect to protect yourself. Anxiety is the absence of confidence or self-esteem. Seeking approval.

Anxiety is horrific, no doubt. I continue to have great difficulty with it. And my depression is directly linked to the anxiety. I wish it were different for all of us, it is such an unfortunate condition "but what is life without a challenge?" as my grandfather once said to me. I'm yet to figure this one out. You've got to work within your limitations to overcome them I suppose.

It is certainly absolutely OK to be angry towards an abusive person. It is natural. Be angry for as long as you need to be, let it be.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 172

More on the subject of anger: I always remind myself of this quote
"No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent".
To me that means that I am totally responsible for, my actions. Not what someone else does to me, or trys to make me feel, but....ultimately whether I CHOOSE to feel ________. (fill in the blank) To the N parent we are their supply. It feeds them to know that we protest, and then they can get back to their work, of knocking us down again. If we are angry, it may impower us, to a degree, but it just supplies them with whatever they need to do what they do. Every little thing, reaction, etc. we GIVE to them goes to their supply. You can be empowered by, for instance, knowing better than to do something ruthless, and horrible to someone else. Because when it was done to you, it hurt. To give some else more energy and time, and consideration, actually in the long run, depletes a person. To not be a victim of some elses N ways, is power. To use great care in self care of oneself, is empowering. Anything that take away, takes away.....thats all. To not let someone no matter who they are to you, (parent, spouse, child) treat you the way you feel you should be treated, is power. To be responsible for our own actions is all that a person can do. The N are the way they are. If that would prove to be a negative thing in someones life, the decision is made as to how much of the negative can I take, before I loose my self-esteem. They may try to sell it, but you don't have to buy it. True living comes from the understanding of self. Not others. If I believe I am a good person, and I treat myself good, and then I treat others same. There is no reason under GOD GREEN EARTH, why someone would get away with treating me any different. Its like a circle that always comes back to self. So anger, is an emotion that is felt when someone has been treated in a manner that is NOT OK. To use anger to a gain a position, does not work. The feel angry is normal, and we work thru the elements of why we feel so angry. Some people are good, and loving, and to be angry is normal, but not something they want to be associated with all the time. But the anger will seep into everything and all relationships, if it is not dealt with. Then you are just an angry person. A victim of sorts. Just my two cents.
baby kay

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Today I am angry with myself.....I am angry because I was a guillable child.
My husband and I were talking today. I was telling him when I was a teenager I worked at the school, some program for underprivledge kids. I worked in the cafeteria, cleaning trays. I told him how I felt humilated taking the trays from all these kids, scraping their trash, having to wear a hairnet. I did it though to earn money and I saved it all. I saved for almost a year and a half, so I could buy a car. Mind you, this was back in 1979. I saved almost a thousand dollars and gave it to my dad to buy a car....
I finally figured it out, duh-huh moment here. He got me a car, a old standard pinto that I could not drive....he took some of that money...it hit me today....

just another example of why I am angry....sorry if I make no sense what so ever here...
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 172

Justmee
It makes total sense to me your anger at this memory. I have had similar ones. In my family, my Nm was a singlemother when I was growing up. We had the struggles financially that most had. I babysat since I was like 11. I always had some cash in my possession. When my mother would fall short, money wise, I would naturally want to help because to me, thats what you do. What I did not realize, growing up.....was that I just always helped out. Not obligated or anything. As I grew into a teenager and then young adult, if I fell short and needed financial help I like all of us would turn to NM. The thing I remember the most and still pisses me off till this day, was I helped create with NM a way that she could take from me. I have always been the ONLY one who has to pay back, and then some. No one else is required to do this. Now, I am glad to be a responsible person, but the fact is I felt guilable also. I felt like there was a set of rules for me, and then something else for others. SHe also sued me as an adult to take yet more. Financially and emotionally which what N do. I know your anger, I know how stiffed you feel and felt. I know that no matter what...it was not fair. I know that to take from my own children, or friends, is hard. I know that I have had alot of struggles with money as an adult. The scars are still very much there. It has been hard for me, to distringuish between pay back, and take advantage. I feel, it is wrong, for me to take what I should, because someone (NM) made such a mess out of this subject for me. So....I get it. I hope that my sharing helps you realize, that what we know now.....is all we get. Knowledge, but along with the learning, theres the resentment that we were not afforded lessons, that make sense, but things much more terrible and twisted. Very twisted. I call my Nm "Flipper", she take everything and can flip it to her advantage. Even money from her young and very well intended daughter. I feel pity, and she repulses me to no end. I have to deal with fundamental issues on a whole different scale, as I am sure you and all of us do. So with great support, I offer this information to you. Know that what you have done, and what you would have CHOOSEN, are two very different things. When we have information we make informed choices, when someone scams us, we feel taken, and stupid. We aren't either of them, but we feel like why? Know that if you were entrusted with the hard earned money from a kid, you would have been responsible. THey the N are not responsible. Another character flaw in them
take care, peace
Kim