Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I got married in June last year (no help from mommie dearest of course). Actually no help would have been a step up, anytime the mention of wedding would come up,she'd change the subject. My aunts gave me a shower and I heard for MONTHS..."Do you have any idea how much money they spent on that shower? You know they don't have the money to be spending on things like that. I can't believe they spent THAT much money on a shower!" Well, of course I felt like crap and guilty which I'm sure was the goal.
Then,a year before our wedding we built a new house, my mom calls me up and says I want to give you your wedding gift early. The wedding gift was my aunts 13 yr old kitchen appliances she was getting rid of because she was updating her kitchen. Let's see now, we just built a new house and we're going to want 13 yr old appliances? I don't think so. She said we'd just need to rent a trailor and drive the 4 hrs to pick them up. Great. Thanks but no thanks . Then she tells me if you don't want them, you can sell them and keep the money. Yeah, so my wedding gift from my mom is my aunts old appliances, that I'm supposed to pick up and sell for money. I'd just rather have a card instead of all that hassle.
Then I found out 4 days before the wedding that she'd invited her ENTIRE side of the family to the grooms dinner, at least 70 people (including kids) I found this out by accident when I called my aunt that she lives with, whom was one of the host couples, to see if they were attending the dinner and she said "Well yeah, I think everyones coming." I just started crying. It's like she'll go out of her way and do ANYTHING to piss me off.
She had to have made almost 30 phone calls in regards to inviting everyone. But yet she didn't have time to get me some addresses that I didn't have. That's mommie dearest for ya.

I can not believe she did that to you. My daughter got married two years ago and I ended up being her matron of honor. You mom sounds like a real pis*er.

justmee

bubblers...

I feel your pain... I ended up eloping myself. Now NM is saying that I didn't give her a chance to throw me a wedding. It's been a month and most of the family doesn't know. She only tells someone when they mention me and it's like "oh, yes... she eloped" like I got a new haircut or something. I couldn't even imagine trying to plan something with NM involved.... the 70 extra people would have sent me over the edge! I'm so sorry!!

And the used appliances... been there. My NM got a new house, she gets all new stuff and then sends me two crappy couches, a 50 year old dining room table and chairs that don't match. And whenever she buys me a semi-cool gift, she gets herself the bigger and better model and shows it off to everyone.

I've given up hope on getting any gifts or praise for getting married... oh, and my aunt asked to throw me a shower, I declined, so she's not talking to me, either.

I hope you learn to shut your mom out. I'm trying to do just that... using imaginary deflector shields in my mind, expecting nothing from her, and focusing on the future. They are jealous... you have a brand new home and a happy marriage... don't let her get to you :)

Good luck and keep posting :)

Bubblers..

My moms N behavior seemed crystal clear to me on several important occasions. One being when I was in the hospital and she could care less and another on my wedding.. So, I can relate to your story...

I had to pay for my mom to fly out to to the state where I live because if she had to pay for it,,, I thought she might not come...I wanted to have her there at the time..

I also paid for her hotel stay for three days.. Paid for my siters airfare who was in elementary school at the time..( I have always taken on her responsibility for my sister too since she won't be a mother to her either.
I wouldn't have minded doing all this if she would be greatful and not think it was owed to her!!

When it was time to open the gifts.. my mom gave me a 10 dollar photo album... It could have been one she had sitting around... Thanks mah...

She was totally univolved in my wedding and stated several times with anger that it was my dad's responsibility to contribute to the wedding not hers! ( my parents are divorced)

My mom would also dissapear several times before the wedding and during the reception to smoke a cigarette... She didn't care to greet or meet people as they came in... It was their job to hunt her down and give her props for being the "mother"

Oh Weddings.... Don't they bring out the best in our N parents... sarcasim ofcorse.... aggghh....

oh i can totally relate. i would get used things all the time, things that were 20 years old and i should be worshipping the ground she walked on bc she gave it to me and i should be soooo grateful. yuck.

my nm at the wedding actually was so perfect and so nice, running around pretending to be doing things and very friendly to everyone. a couple of my closest friends who know the situation, i think, don't beliee me that my mom was so bad or mean. they were like ... 'uh she was so nice that day.' that's always so frustrating, the dual personalities these Ns have. Wonderful on the outside and behind closed doors, they can reduce you to fetal position or on ur knees.

that's always so frustrating, the dual personalities these Ns have. Wonderful on the outside and behind closed doors, they can reduce you to fetal position or on ur knees.

That's my NF. He works very hard to project a perfect image to the outside world. Then he is an abusive a$$h*le to me when no one else would be around.

I'm sorry I should have elaborated on my original post, but we did NOT accept the household appliances as a gift. I had to tell her several times that we have a NEW house and we are getting all NEW stainless steel appliances. She ended up getting us the Little Green Machine (small carpet shampooer) from Target, a whopping 69.00.
I did a really fun thing though this Christmas. We got a new lap top in Nov. and my mom supposedly "graduated" from nursing school in Dec. So, I called her up and said "Hey, since we got a new lap top, did you want our old computer for your Christmas and Graduation gift." Of course you all know I had to think about that for days before I actually did it. She actually was speechless and said she'd get back to me on that and she still has not answered me on if she wants it or not. Hee Hee.
P.S. It is so very refreshing to be able to communicate with others that know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Thank you Bubs

OK, if I weren't laughing so hard I'd be crying. My mom, too, gives the CRAPPIEST gifts, then sits lokking wide-eyed and pleading while she asks you repeatedly, "Do you like it? Is it OK? It took me three hundered hours to make it by hand in the dark from mud and twigs....". Ha ha. She buys herself an $8,000 Gucci bag, and she buys me cheap knock-offs that don't fit, pretty clearly because the off sizes were on sale.

WHAT A RELIEF to read this board!!! I thought I was the only one, and it's sort of unmentionable, since you hate to sound petty or ungrateful.

Thanks for sharing these bittersweet stories. I guess you gotta laugh.

I didn't know that this gift-giving behavior was common to N's. My NGrandmother is the same way! She and my grandfather just bought a $2 million house and continually buy and sell real estate, however my grandmother continues to give cheap gifts. Most of us in the family who still actually have a relationship receive gifts from garage sales and second-hand shops. The best part is that she's proud of that and sometimes even leaves the '10 cent' sticker on the item.

Now, I have nothing against finding a really good deal, but the new glorified favorite in the family (since the rest of us have failed at some point in her eyes) gets new perfume, clothes, her husband gets new expensive tools, and their children are showered with gifts (so much so that they actually have a pre-Christmas party where the kids get some of their gifts the day before so that the rest of us do not know). This discrepancy in gift value is--in my estimation--a punishment for not having conformed to her wants at some point.

Why is cheap gift-giving a characteristic of N's?

No idea, but I'm another who's suffered with crappy gifts for years I've often joked that she must have wandered around the shop blindfolded before buying the first thing she knocked into as her 'gifts' always make me think she's never met me before in her life and has no idea of what I would like.

This past Christmas? I got a £5 candle. My EX partner got more from them than I did!! She told me at New Year that the 'other gifts' she'd ordered for me had never arrived so she'd cancelled the order :? The christmas before, my elder brother (the golden child) had wanted a new jacket, so she bought him one and got me a cheaper one. It's VILE. If maybe I was colourblind and about 90 years old I would wear it...... Oh yes, and then there was the horrible cheap ornament of a cat. It was so badly painted it had cross eyes. I nearly wet myself laughing about how horrible it was. She buys my son (her only grandchild) crappy presents with a promise of "this is just a small thing, I'll get you a proper present later" - but does it ever happen? Nope!

Every single Christmas, she's banged on about how she's been too busy/tired to do Christmas shopping. She doesn't work, and until my father had the stroke, she only had to 'keep house'. I was at university (as a mature student) full time, was raising my son, always had exams right after Christmas, yet I managed to get great gifts for people. I told her that she had the internet at her fingertips, so there really was no reason why she couldn't shop without ever leaving the house. Did she? Nooooo.

When I left my ex partner, it coincided with my parents moving house. I was starting from scratch. She offered me her old bedroom furniture. I accepted. When it arrived, it was nicotine stained and even had coffee cup rings over it. She couldn't even wipe it down?? I washed it all and put it in a spare room so I didn't have to look at it. I thought she was being really generous offering me her old car (which is a complete bucket) until she said "Of course, I'll have to look up to see how much it's worth and then you can just give me that". Umm, no thanks.

I am just reading this posting regarding crappy 13 yr. old appliances as wedding gifts. I too am laughing so hard I think I am both crying and pissing at the same time. My NM used to take old crap out of her house, put it in the garage, MOSTLY broken junk, and then after a couple of years of bird crap, mice, and dirt, bring it out to me like she was giving me gold. This same person would always make sure for a friend of hers or someone she was impressing, she would have to shop at BOSTON STORE OR MACY'S. Nicely wrapped, ribbons, tissue, the whole lot. But for the daughter who was always there, (whether I wanted to be, or not) I got used, BROKEN SHIT!!!
I think that says it all. ANd I should be thankful!!! I used to wonder, why< she only thought I was good for her used crap. Then I go to my sisters house, and all of the furniture and furnishings, are you guessed it,
"Mothers Old Crap" decorating and all. So.....one mans junk is another N daughters treasures. It makes me sad. I feel better than that, and my sister takes it. OH WELL!!!
Just wanted to thank you guys for making me smile, like no ones business!!! I find humor in the rediculous!!
Yeh, me.
Kim

Ellie...
My NM always had a million and one reasons why she couldn't come up with gifts for my Birthday or christmas etc... When I was a kid I believed her blatant lies but now that I am older I can see it for what it is! My NM would also complaine and make me feel sorry for her that she was either too busy, tired, sick, broke, etc....

Baby-KAY.... I think this is one of the posts that makes me laugh the most too!! Your post is so funny.... My mother would also give me junk and act like it was gold!! Too crazy! It's hard to imagine that there are clone N's out there....LOL

OMG, I just read about the gift of a cat ornament I think, with cross eyes painted so badly. I swear I laughed so hard, I can see that cat with its stupid eyes. Maybe she wanted you to always rememer her. Not like we could forget. OH my.....that kills me. Some Christmas's when I would have to go shopping with her because I am a good gift giver, (imagine that, I pay attention) my Nm would say, "Oh just pick out something, I'll buy it and you can wrap it, (Yes, I wrap my own gifts often) WOW yeh me. At least I would then get something nice. Oh yeh, and then theres the when we would shop together for my kids, its, Oh I don't have enough money, kids today want so much, and its soooo expensive, could you get it wrap it, (I wrap everyones gifts) Must be real good wrapper, and I will pay you back later when I have money on me. So we would get the kids stuff like, Barbie Camper, video games, etc, not cheap stuff, and she would just FORGET!!! How convient. Anyways, that cat gift makes me die. Shes good. I tell you what. Thanks for making me laugh so hard. We all need to laugh more than we cry. This disease is not funny in the least but the things they do sometimes are so bad, they're funny.
Thanks guys
Kim

Babykay..
I agree! tThat t is so funny!

Oh man Ellie....I don't know what to say about that one!! That is too absurd.. But funny! LOL .. N's know how to find the most wacky gifts out there! Man.. I thought a lint brush and an air-freshener were bizzare!

Hey all,
On this subject, I believe that the N M does this to send a message, that message "THis is what I think of you" or "This is how little I think of you". Its a representation of the message, coming to us, in gift form.
It is something I could predict. But one of the few predictions one can make of this disease. I know that when I walk thru my N M house, it is filled with very thoughtful, loving gifts that I have bestowed upon her in the many years I was in her life. My sister only has to give her two hot pads, and some cheap dish towels, and my god, shes a GOD. So figure that????? I think this whole "gift" or otherwise situation is another thing in their arsenal of hate and hatemaking.
They are just sad, pitiful individuals, that are too sick for their own good, or anyone elses.
Remember what they do, says all things about them, and nothing about us.
Kim :D

baby_kay,,

I never thought of it that way but maybe you are on to something...Maybe it's a show of malice by hurting us and then somehow they feel powerful because of it.. I deffinately have seen a sadistic side to my mother which is another reason why I have gone NC because I have seen her get off on hurting me.. The "emotional vampire" stuff N's do...and it's disturbing that my own mother intentionally seeks to harm me emotionally or otherwise.

I also know someone else who is an N and she has a beautiful daughter who is very sweet.. The mother, an N, lives a very pampered lifestyle married to a very wealthy man.. The mother acts jealous of her daughter and it's pretty evident that she makes the daughter wear clothes that are old, shoes that are scuffed up and need to be thrown away.. I don't think this is the daughters style.. It seems like the mother is holding back from buying her nice clothes.. In every other way the daughter is very girly but her clothes are frumpy and odd...The daughter also seems fearful of her mother... I think this is the way the mother asserts her control over her daughter and makes sure that her daughter doesn't look better than she does...sad.

lynn123
My Nm has always physically hurt me. Even as far back as I can remember. She emotionally hurts, but I am a tough cookie. I have stood up to her growing up. I refused to lie quietly my whole life. Now...whether I would knowing pick to get trouble. Absolutely not. Living on eggshells, yes....but to me it was something I knew about her, and something I CHOSE to not engage in. As an adult, it got complicated with kids. The gifts, to me, was just another way she would try to assault my heart. That is a constant game of the N. Its like war, for no reason. But their reason is so they feel superior, and you better know it. I have a NC rule, and IF I want to talk or see her, thats my CHOICE. After all she has done, the one thing I know in my heart of hearts, SHE WOULD DO IT AGAIN,if I let her have control. My sister, whom I love dearly is a lot like her. She can't be nice, and in my life for more that 6 months at a time. My N son, well....It took me 5 years of pain to figure him out. NC rule with him now. The pain of engaging is far worse for me, then the peace of not having any of them in my life, and in my family's life. I have to tell you that I had spent toooo much of my life, shameful, and guilty of the pain my husband and kids have had to live thru with any of them, especially my Mother. But....in the end. No ones life is without something. Everyone, could tell you their secrets of something. I am just sooooooo happy I found all of you on this site. What a blessing. SUPPORT, finally others, to help and have help me.
I am in awe.
Kim

baby_kay wrote:OMG, I just read about the gift of a cat ornament I think, with cross eyes painted so badly. I swear I laughed so hard, I can see that cat with its stupid eyes. Maybe she wanted you to always rememer her.

I believe I may have a picture of said cat - I donated it to a charity auction

Ah yes, here it is Unfortunately, the picture doesn't quite convey the completely retarded look on it's poor face.....




The thing about bad gifts being 'punishment' could very well be true. As I said, I got a crappy candle this past Christmas. It so happens that this past Christmas was the first in many many years that I've not spent Christmas with my parents. Coincidence? I doubt it. I visited for half an hour on Christmas day to deliver gifts, but then I went home.

That cat picture is nice!!!! PRICELESS.
thanks for sharing.
Kim

Hey you guys... just found this article and thought I would share. Really describes this topic to a 'T':


Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead -- tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for -- and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me.
First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or -- in really choice instances -- return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident. ^
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Some narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment, and some narcissists overspend, bankrupt themselves, and lose everything. My personal experience is that narcissists are stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity. This is a person who won't spend $1.50 on a greeting card but will instead send you an advertising flyer that came with the newspaper. This is a person who will be very conscious of her appearance but will dress herself and her children in used clothes and other people's cast-offs. [Note: Thrift is not in itself a narcissistic trait; neither is a fondness for old clothes. The important element here is that the narcissist buys clothes that other people she admires and wishes to emulate have already picked out, since she has no individual tastes or preferences.] These are people who need labels or trademarks (or other signs of authority) to distinguish between the real thing and a cheap knock-off or imitation, and so will substitute something easy and cheap for something precious and dear and expect nobody else to know the difference, since they can't. These are people who can tell you how many miles but not how many smiles.
Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. Period. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you. ^

SOURCE: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#imp

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Loux

lynn1234 wrote:baby_kay,,

I also know someone else who is an N and she has a beautiful daughter who is very sweet.. The mother, an N, lives a very pampered lifestyle married to a very wealthy man.. The mother acts jealous of her daughter and it's pretty evident that she makes the daughter wear clothes that are old, shoes that are scuffed up and need to be thrown away.. I don't think this is the daughters style.. It seems like the mother is holding back from buying her nice clothes.. In every other way the daughter is very girly but her clothes are frumpy and odd...The daughter also seems fearful of her mother... I think this is the way the mother asserts her control over her daughter and makes sure that her daughter doesn't look better than she does...sad.

Oh this hit home with me. My adoptiveNmother (wealthy) wouldn't buy me nice clothes. I'd be so embarrassed to go to school, well to be seen ANYWHERE. She was huge and I was skinny 11years old, when she started giving me her old dresses, with HUGE seamed bust area. Well I had no bust at that point, but was just beginning to develop. She would not buy me bras - NEVER did. She once again, gave me her old,dingy,grey(were white) cast offs, that I didn't fit in to. She cut my hair herself, short and ugly...like a boy and oh it looked so bad! She controlled everything I wore. Made me look hideious. I've only recently realized that as I hit puberty, the clothes became worse and so did the haircuts. As she became older, fatter (loved all the wrong foods) perhaps she resented my blooming? Some N's just SO jealous.

In addition to the crappy gifts I recieved for the wedding, I've been thinking about the gifts I received as a child. My mom worked VERY part time at our local church and at Christmas time we would receive gifts that read "To Girl, Teenage" or for my brother "To Boy, Child" She wouldn't even take the time to tear off the tags that were so obviously donated to the church for the "poor" people. Then she would look at me with these sad eyes, like she had spent soooo much money on this stuff. At the time as a child, I felt so guilty and that we were so poor that she couldn't even buy us presents until I and my brother moved in with my dad and he actually showed me paperwork as to how much money he had paid in child support through the years.

bubblers wrote:In addition to the crappy gifts I recieved for the wedding, I've been thinking about the gifts I received as a child. My mom worked VERY part time at our local church and at Christmas time we would receive gifts that read "To Girl, Teenage" or for my brother "To Boy, Child" She wouldn't even take the time to tear off the tags that were so obviously donated to the church for the "poor" people.

Good grief - that's horrendous!! That defies belief!


It's funny how you remember things, isn't it? I've remembered the fact that when I was 16, I needed new shoes. My shoes had a hole in them, because I'd outgrown them. I actually tried to repair the shoes rather than say to my mother than I needed a new pair. I hadn't had them that long - 3 or 4 months - and I knew she'd be angry that I'd got a hole in them (they were suede). I hadn't been 'rough' with them or anything - they were just cheap shoes that I outgrew rapidly. I was so ashamed of them and tried to hide it, but they were the only pair of shoes I had.

I forgot to mention this - it made me laugh so hard

The christmas before last, my aunt (NM's sister) and her husband were at my parent's house for Christmas. Me, my son's father and son were there for dinner. The presents were distributed...... I opened my aunt's gift to me.

I had to fight to keep a straight face. It was a teeny weeny manicure kit.

What's wrong with that, I hear you ask?

Well, nothing really. Apart from the fact that it was a free gift from a magazine and did, in fact, have "Free with She Magazine!" plastered all over it

Is it any coincidence that my aunt has 4 children, and not one of them wanted her there for Christmas? And is it a coincidence that my aunt's daughter (now in her 40's) ran away as a teenager, was so psychologically disturbed that she systematically pulled out all her eyebrows and eyelashes? And is it a coincidence that this cousin has recently had a nervous breakdown?

Hmmm.

Freethispirit...
I hear you...The N's are jealous and competitive and I think part of their keeping us from having nice things(clothes) is to punish us and to make themselves look better.. I have this photo of my NM squeezing into the nicest dress I had when I was a teen.. She was really proud she could fit into my dress and asked me if she could have it.. When ever my sister and I did get some nice peice of clothing that she liked she would usually ask for it...even if she wouldn't wear it later..

Ellie....... My NM used to buy my clothes on lay-away right before school started and she would slowly allow me to go to the store and pick them up. It could take her 3 or 4 months to pay them off.. and it was usually only like 5 outfits that I would have to keep wearing week after week... I think this was some type of torture technique that she did by putting my clothes on lay-away so that I would have to beg her to pick them up and then she could tell me that she didn't have the money that week... I know now that she could have afforded to pay them all off at once but I guess I wasn't important enough for her to do that.. Never mind that she went out to Lunch at work every day and even would buy drinks with lunch or after work that within a few days could have paid off all my clothes if she didn't do that...
My NM wanted me to belive that we were poor so I wouldn't ask for anything and she could use her money on herself..
I can relate to you on having to wear old shoes...