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AA 12 step program - can that change a Narcissist?

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

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AA 12 step program - can that change a Narcissist?

Postby RecoveringKate » Mon Feb 22, 2016 5:26 pm

My husband of 26 years ticks every box of NPD, I finally left him out of desperation after I discovered an affair he was having with a co-worker for 4 years. I had suspected something going on between them for all those years but he always denied it and called me crazy over the years when I brought up my suspicions. I finally got solid proof in 2014 that even then he continued to deny and minimized blaming her. During this affair time I had become very depressed, I knew in my heart something was terribly wrong in our marriage and just numbed myself using alcohol to cope and became an alcoholic drinking my pain away. I finally left him and quit drinking and turned to AA to straighten my life out.

What happened is he started going to meetings too! He admitted he was an alcohol at a meeting on the day he was served the papers for divorce. He's been going to meetings ever since, but not the ones I attend today because I moved away to a city.

Now he is contacting me all the time and telling me he's done the steps and blames everything he did on the alcohol. I have never received a real apology for anything, and he never admitted to anything still and has said to me that Step 9 says - Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except, when to do so would injure them or others. So I think he's using this to not tell me anything.

I guess my real question is, is this more manipulation coming from him in your opinion? Or do you think that this program is truly helping him? My gut is screaming again at me that this is still all BS.

Please help.

Thank you, and I appreciate your work so much.

PS - I have been sober and recovering coming up a year and half.
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Re: AA 12 step program - can that change a Narcissist?

Postby samvaknin » Thu Feb 25, 2016 4:24 pm

12-step programs have positive effects on the narcissistic traits and behaviors of addicts, but zero effect on real narcissists.

Narcissism and substance abuse


Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:





Healing and Curing Narcissism











Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources, Support Groups for narcissists and their victims, and Tutorials:

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/nar ... sages/5458

Support groups for victims of narcissists and psychopaths (and one or two groups for narcissists)

http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Di ... rt_Groups/

Take care there!


http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin (Narcissists, Psychopaths, Abuse)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html (Sam Vaknin's Media Kit and Press Room)

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings (World in Conflict and Transition)

http://www.youtube.com/vakninsays (Sayings of Wisdom and Inanity)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com (Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:


Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

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